When my brother in law Sam told me the blog was getting too tedious to follow with tall the scrolling, I knew it was time to make a new page. Somehow, it seems like a change has occurred since the Rally so this is as good a place as any I suppose !
ANYWAY , The MRI was scheduled for 12:30 Thursday night.
I go in early Friday morning as usual, and there are no results yet. Mike is very tired ( after laying in bed for 5 days ?) and is dozing all morning long, and my house has been neglected for 5 days. Finally, I tell him I am going to leave to let the dogs out and get a few things done. I am SURE "something" will happen while I am gone - as it always has. It's uncanny.
Yep - his oncologist happened to be walking by and Mike got him into the room. No MRI results yet, but the Dr. tells Mike he thinks it is nerve pain from (progressing) cancer. Mike has been living with nerve pain for 14 months now. We do not believe it is nerve pain at all.
It may be cancer. It may be advancing cancer, It may be cancer pain. Still, I am betting it is NOT nerve pain. ( just sayin'.)
Anyway, Mike is asking to go home, and they are giving him the green light. After 5 days of total bed-rest and pain meds., the pain is not the sharp and excruciating thing that we went to the E.R. for last Sunday so, I am okay with that, but I WANT those results. Of course it's a weekend coming too so who would want to wait until Monday?
One thing I found odd was that the oncologist from Thursday said he did think it was new cancer pain. I asked if it would be uncommon to get that progressing right after all that heavy duty chemo and he said not at all! What ? Really ?!
Yep. He said that because Mike had so much treatment in the past, there may be a resistance to a certain extent and they do see this . We would have liked to know this up front, but I must say, it would not have changed Mike's decision. he would have gone for the folfox anyway.
Michael is coming home.
The Rally -A Light of Love
It’s been more than a week since the ‘Rancitelli Rally’, but I have found it extraordinarily difficult to write about since it was truly a surreal experience for me and for Michael. There were people there I never spoke to, people who I meant to talk to, pictures I never took (not one shot of Michael) and all I can say is that I was in a dreamlike state. Instead of the feeling of a nightmare, it was like a dream that you never want to wake up from - one that you wish you could re-create over and over again.
So, going back, Mike was released from the hospital Friday and could barely take more than a few steps without some (new) agonizing pain. I wheeled him out and got him in the car without M.R.I results. The following day - 'Rally Day', he was on the couch in pain, and I asked how he intended to go to the Rally. He said if I could just get him through the door and walk him to a table, he could sit there, perhaps for an hour or two and then someone could get him back in the car and get him home. Anyone at that rally knows that is not the Michael who was there!
We called the hospital in the morning and a Dr. told us that the M.R.I revealed a very bright area of severe inflammation in the lining of a muscle where Mike was complaining of the pain. This particular doctor surmised the tumor might be advancing and put pressure on that area. In any case, he put Michael on steroids immediately.
We called the hospital in the morning and a Dr. told us that the M.R.I revealed a very bright area of severe inflammation in the lining of a muscle where Mike was complaining of the pain. This particular doctor surmised the tumor might be advancing and put pressure on that area. In any case, he put Michael on steroids immediately.
He took his dose, and then I had him lay on the couch with his leg elevated, which is a posture that he takes at least twice a day for some period of time and Michael fell asleep for hours. I’m not at all sure he would want me to advertise this, but at 4:00 he was still in pajamas!
But when he got up from the hibernating, the pain was gone and he could walk as well as he had before, albeit with the limp and “usual’ pain from the tumor on his hip pressing into the nerves. Was it a miracle? Perhaps a miracle of steroids I would say, at that point.
But when he got up from the hibernating, the pain was gone and he could walk as well as he had before, albeit with the limp and “usual’ pain from the tumor on his hip pressing into the nerves. Was it a miracle? Perhaps a miracle of steroids I would say, at that point.
Before I knew it, he was heading up the stairs and carrying down his guitar (something he is not supposed to do of course) and getting ready to shower for the Rally.
The pain was completely gone. Despite the rain and chill in the air, Michael went out without a coat as he normally would and loaded the trunk with a heavy microphone stand and that guitar, and he actually ended up driving to the rally since he was not on pain medication.
There really is no way for me to describe the feeling of walking through those doors and seeing what went on behind the scenes. All while he was in the hospital (and before that ) people were working and planning and making raffle baskets and selling/buying tickets and doing all kinds of things to prepare for this night – for an event I never imagined Michael would be able to walk into. In fact, I had a wheelchair all set up to borrow, but it wasn’t needed.
Now, I’m not sure if you noticed, but I kept one eye on Michael all night, and I can tell you that he did not sit down until he greeted every single table. In fact, I tried to stop him to eat before the food was put back, but he refused to sit, and so he never ended up eating at all! That was fine, because he was running on the energy of all the love in that room.
He stood, he walked, he sang, despite his chemo – abused voice, and he played. We stayed the whole night and we were up for hours even after we got home, filled with adrenalin.
I see now why it took me so long to write this because it is actually impossible to articulate how uplifting it was to see so many friends and feel the outpouring of love that night was made of. It gave Michael a ray of hope that had been hiding in darkness. He felt alive again. I asked him specifically to sum up what that night felt like even though I knew what the answer would be because I knew exactly how it felt to me.
He said:” For one night, I didn’t have cancer.”
That hit the nail on the head, and I am not sure if someone who has not heard the cancer diagnosis can fully appreciate the magnitude of that gift, but it is huge. Cancer has been the first thought on our minds before we get out of bed every morning and the last thought before we close our eyes every night. We have been slaves to it, and Michael has been a prisoner in his own body. Yet, here we were at a benefit for Mike’s cancer care, being asked all about it and somehow, not living it. It’s just too difficult to explain.
Was it a miracle? I can tell you that night was truly miraculous, and we will never forget it and never forget those who worked so hard to make it happen and those who came and those who wanted to come. The impact that it made was incredible.
The true miracle in all of this is the people that God sends just when you need them most and the profound difference that their goodness can have on your lives.
I know a picture is worth 1,000 words and I wish I had one from that night that could explain what all of you have meant, but I don't.
I believe I have found the one song that says what I think is true about all those who attended the Rally and those who support us, but could not be there. And in a very special way, for those who organized the event and put it all together - thank you all!
I believe I have found the one song that says what I think is true about all those who attended the Rally and those who support us, but could not be there. And in a very special way, for those who organized the event and put it all together - thank you all!
*Click right here to hear it.
Let it Be
On a Friday before Christmas, Mike was especially bored and entertained the thought of getting out of the house and going to the movies. But, on a Friday before Christmas, I was especially busy and I didn’t have the luxury of that kind of time with running errands and all. He decided to stay out, and as “fate’ would have it, with good reason.
Have I ever told you how this man who once had hair past his shoulders and lugging a 65 pound amp and a 1969 Les Paul out on weekends to play the blues became a “Music Minister”?
Yep, that’s really Michael, seated, far left - with the band, Boothill - many moons ago.
*Photo credit- Joe Christofori
Anyway, I always say that everything happens for a reason. I believe this to my very core. Sometimes, we see the reason, other times we don’t see it until years later and there are times that we may not see it in this lifetime, yet, I still believe.
We were married in 1978 and Mike ran into an old friend from junior high at the church. Fran Reilly, the new deacon there at the time. Before you know it, he was Father Reilly, and he came visiting often and each time he did , Mike and he would play Irish songs, and Beatles songs and the closest Mike came to religious music at that time was when he and Fr. Reilly would sing, “ Let it Be’. Now, I don’t think it was a plan that Fr. Reilly had , but perhaps by some ‘ design’, more and more, a religious song would be slipped into these little jam sessions until Mike had an entire repertoire.
In 1992, Mike’s business in floor covering ( 17 yrs) was giving way to a poor economy and with his spare time, he would volunteer at the church, cleaning gutters and doing various odd jobs . At one point, he was asked to bring in his guitar and play for the kids.
As “ fate’ would have it, the music teacher there ended up leaving and the principal, Mrs. Coon asked if Mike would be
interested! Seriously, to have a job doing what he loved ?! Isn’t that everyone’s dream? The pay was quite a bit less than half of what he had been making and Mrs. Coon asked if he would be able to perform a show on piano in front of 900 people by Spring. No problem , Mike replied as he signed the contract. I knew Michael was not a liar, but he had never touched a piano in his life!
He simply took what he knew from his guitar ( self-taught as a teen) and played the chords on the piano.
The organ was even more challenging, but he gave an affirmative to that job as well, and I had to direct the choirs since he had no way of coordinating his feet and hands on this foreign instrument and conducting at the same time.
A little bit of knowledge –
She concurs that M.L.D. cannot be done without risking dislodge of the blood clot, but the Circ- Aid has the potential to move some fluid out if worn daily for several months. If it works, he should then be able to fit into compression stockings ( which won’t reduce fluid but might maintain fluid reduction) and at least get into a shoe and get around a bit. Looking toward the Spring, it seems hopeful. She says she will call the oncologist and ask for it. I tell her who the fitter is so she can have it faxed there, and we are on our way.
WORLD CANCER DAY
FEB.4, 2015
So today is "World Cancer Day', and you'd think there would be a lot to report, but I have been online for hours, and my head is spinning in trying to decide what to write. So rather than take the ' scientific facts', I'll go with " Just the facts, ma'am', version as it is what I believe most in!
IMHO, I don't think we have come very far when it comes to cancer tx. The mainstays are still chemo and radiation and the side effects can be lasting and range from mild to life altering.
It is generally agreed upon by most in the medical world that the following factors contribute most to getting cancer:
*smoking
*obesity
*Lack of exercise
*improper diet
*alcohol use
*fatty foods
*sun damage
*charred meats from the grill
Not buying it.
Other than smoking contributing to lung cancer, and the sun being a cause of skin cancer, I really think the most accurate answer is also the scariest one - 'they' don't really know what causes cancer.
I am on a forum with TENS of thousnands of women that have breast cancer - www.breastcancer.org , and some were vegetarians that had the perfect B.M.I., exercised daily, ate organically and had no hx of cancer in their families . They drank nothing but an occasional glass of red wine, and did not take hormones. They got it anyway. They are understandably angry about the claims that so many people who get cancer are essentially fat and lazy and ignorant. ( read between the lines)
I tell you now - it can happen to anyone.
I used to take my therapy dog to Baystate Cancer Children's Ward. These little innocents surely didn't have enough time in their lives to be living on char-grilled fatty steaks, and I doubt they didn't run and play ( exercise) like every other child before they were condemned to a world of lab work, ports, chemo, radiation, bald heads and nausea.
We have made a few advances , particularly with prostate cancer, and their is a promising vaccine on the horizon for triple negative breast cancer ( though it only claims to extend life by UP TO 20 months), but I think each cancer is as different as the person who is afflicted by it, and each outcome is as well.
Random?
Not exactly. You figure it out!
=============================================
She was taken aback of course, but I peeked around a bit, and then got in touch with their vice president whom I had spoken to before, and I put the bug in her ear about starting a support group there. At first there was resistance, and the C.H.D. has the Cancer House of Hope (formerly on Plumtree Road/Spfld. ) But that is not in Springfield. The only ongoing’ general’ cancer support I could find was at the Mercy, and God bless the Sister who runs it, and I believe has done so for 25 years because it is PACKED. I mean, chock full of people! But that is both good and bad. What if one wants a smaller group? What if one is not comfortable speaking to such a large crew? What if one needs to talk for 15 solid minutes? (Everyone would not get a turn) What if one doesn’t drive at night? That's quite common after a certain age and especially in bad weather. What if Mondays just aren’t good? The point is - we need another option, during the day and conveniently located to D’Amours. That’s what I tell Julie - and the dance begins.
I'm trying to fathom how this will happen as the piano bench will be as hard as ever. The tumor is still there. The foot will remain swollen, and the pain will be intense. So, don’t ask me how he will pull himself together for this or if it will be his farewell performance (as I suspect), but I am beginning to think he will get it done.
He has been practicing on the guitar and singing Irish
tunes, and besides, his mind was made up long ago.
======================================
I know I have been remiss in not writing for so long, but truth be told, I’ve been in a funk for quite awhile. Not only that, I keep waiting for good news . People want good news ! I have learned through all of this that no news does not necessarily equal good news, as I once naively thought.
This is truth, and I know it, but there is something else about pain that haunts me - it marks time. When , you ask? You know …before it was ‘ that painful’ etc … and it also has a scary relationship with distance. The farther you get from the day the very first pain came, the harder it is to look back and see the ‘ before’ … the you that was healthy or pain free. The farther away you get from the ‘ when the pain first started’ the more distance is there between the old you and “this you “. Who is “ this you “? It’s still you. (Think Josh Groban) “ I’m still me”, you want to scream , but you can’t somehow! That’s because you don’t feel like ‘ the old me “. That’s because you are clouded by pain.
=============================================
Fr. Joyce was very tolerant, and many people were subjected
to 'less than heavenly' music much of the time, but over time, a ministry was formed.
So out of the blue, his dear friend Fr. Reilly called on this particular Friday (12 / 20 / 2014) and asked to stop over.
Now I’d like to say that having this visit from a friend that
Michael has known for forty-five years was filled with joy and many shared
laughs. But the truth is, this old
friend and holy man of the cloth somehow invited a release of sorts that I had not
seen Michael share before. He poured out
the heartbreak that this cancer has
caused him / us. He explained the grief
over losing two jobs that were not only his livelihood but his ministry, to the
pain of that tumor that constantly pressed his sciatic nerve. It was a nagging
reminder that his body was not going to cooperate with what his mind, heart and
soul longed to do. Not anymore.
But, it was not a sad visit.
This wonderful priest consoled his old friend and played guitar a bit
and gave him the Anointing of the sick as well.
He quoted scripture ( as only he can!) and sang some songs from the past
and spoke is his innocent and kind demeanor that had never changed through the
years.
Thank you for everything, Fran!
Guess What's Coming for Dinner?!
I guess this really was no ordinary Friday after all!
Shortly after Fran, as we will always affectionately call him, took his leave, I received a phone call from someone from OLOH who came to the Rally. They were wonderful people in the church/school community, and we had more than one link to them.
One thing Mike always enjoyed was the lighting of the Atwater Christmas tree. He was not well enough to go and perform for it this year .
This wonderful family called and announced that they were bringing dinner by. Yep, homemade and hot from the oven dinner from a delicious cranberry salad to brandied peaches
(yum) . Who does this nowadays ? And, who has the time ?!
How blessed have we been ?
I have to tell you , before they left, they told Mike they would hope to see him at next year's lighting of the Christmas tree, and for the very first time, for just a moment, I wondered if it was a possibility.
Maybe. Who knows ?
Only God knows.
Guess What's Coming for Dinner?!
I guess this really was no ordinary Friday after all!
Shortly after Fran, as we will always affectionately call him, took his leave, I received a phone call from someone from OLOH who came to the Rally. They were wonderful people in the church/school community, and we had more than one link to them.
One thing Mike always enjoyed was the lighting of the Atwater Christmas tree. He was not well enough to go and perform
This wonderful family called and announced that they were bringing dinner by. Yep, homemade and hot from the oven dinner from a delicious cranberry salad to brandied peaches
(yum) . Who does this nowadays ? And, who has the time ?!
How blessed have we been ?
I have to tell you , before they left, they told Mike they would hope to see him at next year's lighting of the Christmas tree, and for the very first time, for just a moment, I wondered if it was a possibility.
Maybe. Who knows ?
Only God knows.
Thank you!
(*click to enlarge)
(*click to enlarge)
2015
“Cheers to a new year and another chance for us
to get it right.” (Oprah)
I’m sure there are countless New Year quotes
all over the internet that sound much more profound than this one, but I always
liked Oprah’s simple statement. When I worked at the Senior Center, I hung it
above the wall calendar when I flipped the page to January. Only this year, I just don’t know how to make
things right . Things seem to be getting worse rather than better. With stage
IV recurrent colon cancer, most people might not think the biggest worry would
be lymphedema, but it doesn’t surprise me one little bit! In fact, as a person
who truly believes that everything happens for
a reason, I have to wonder if I developed lymphedema so that I would
become (ridiculously ) well informed about it and prepared for this. Sound
crazy? Maybe, but you’d have a long way
to go to find someone with 2 clean nodes removed who skipped radiation and
developed lymphedema. Let’s just say while it may not be impossible, it’s highly unusual.
Mike, on the other hand, had 24 lymph nodes
removed in 2009, but no sign of trouble. That is, until now.
His right leg ( first insulted by the pressure
of the tumor, and then a massive blood clot) is swelling out of control. No
shoe fits. I’ve cut the sides of all of his
socks and they still leave a line. He
can’t get out of the house ( although I’ve caught him on more than one occasion,
lugging out the trash with one shoe on !) Lymphedema itself is not a painful
condition, but the right leg , among other areas , is where Mike has intense
pain from the tumor pressing the
nerves. Now that everything has swollen
, it’s all the more ‘ crowded’ inside , and the pain is increasing. Most of his
days are spent lying on the couch with the leg elevated, which can be
depressing at times. I often wonder if it’s harder to live it or to watch it,
but I confess, I don’t want to swap places, and have plenty of my own issues which
are really not being attended to . (Who has the energy?)
Okay, I should say right here that I am NOT
bashing doctors when I state that “ Drs. just don’t know anything about
lymphedema.’ They don’t . It’s not their
fault. It’s barely touched upon at all in medical school. So, I thought I might have a tough time convincing Michael’s oncologist
that the leg /foot was not only swollen from the clot, but now lymphedema (
here to after referred to as LE) as well.
He didn’t flinch! “ I have no
doubt there is a lymphatic component “.
Phew. That was a relief. So, what
to do for him. He started to mention
diuretics, and all my hopes were dashed. “NO!” I think I may have screamed it
out loud. He just looked at me. You don’t use ‘ water pills’ on LE. I know it
seems logical. I get it. I do. But
the truth is, if it were that simple, nobody would have LE! Diuretics are seriously
contraindicated for treating LE. It’s a looooong and I am sure, boring,
explanation so I will skip it, but if you’re the curious type or at high risk
for LE or God forbid, if you have it and have been prescribed water pills, the explanation is right here.
The Dr. conceded and prescribed LE evaluation for MLD ( Manual lymphatic drainage) but that pre-dated the clot, and once we had so many issues with the clot, we put all of that on the back burner. I am going to need a new prescription for him. I worry the LE therapist may not want to treat him since he does have the clot as well. It’s muddy territory. We'll see. My first battle will be trying to get that prescription.
The Dr. conceded and prescribed LE evaluation for MLD ( Manual lymphatic drainage) but that pre-dated the clot, and once we had so many issues with the clot, we put all of that on the back burner. I am going to need a new prescription for him. I worry the LE therapist may not want to treat him since he does have the clot as well. It’s muddy territory. We'll see. My first battle will be trying to get that prescription.
I called a LE connection of mine from
Northampton who knows a LOT about lower extremity LE. That’s because she has
it, which I find are pretty much the only people who know more than a thimble full about this nasty condition. I
explain Mike can’t get out, and the compression socks that once fit now
have a tourniquet effect. She advises me
to get a prescription for a CIRC AID JUXTA FIT WRAP . I trust her . Yep, completely. I just don’t have the RX pad. That
might be my second battle.
If every doctor would just sit for one hour and read this website from start to finish, we would all be much safer. But,I'm afraid LE is just not on anyone's radar - unless of course, you have it.
If every doctor would just sit for one hour and read this website from start to finish, we would all be much safer. But,I'm afraid LE is just not on anyone's radar - unless of course, you have it.
Then I call about the shoes. First, I look online
and print a 4 page insurance form for special ‘
therapeutic shoes’. The custom shoe
store tells me they won’t be covered unless he is a diabetic. I point out that
I chose the form that is clearly marked NON diabetic at the top. They say “ No doctors know how to fill it
out, and we will never be reimbursed.” Really?! this is ludicrous, yet I believe them. Okay, so I order some special 5E shoes on www.zappos.com for now, but I’m filling out that form for a second pair and asking his doctor to fill it out!
So, that is what’s on the front burner at the
moment. That, and winter in New England (ugh) We are sooooo fortunate to have
our neighbors doing snow removal, and while I appreciate it, I can’t imagine
they want to be our indentured servants for life. I am thinking we may need to
sell this 7 room house that neither of us can take care of anymore.
I dunno’.
=================================
=================================
A little bit of knowledge –
is not always a dangerous thing !
Out of everything this cancer and it’s treatment has caused
, I’d have to say the worst of it is the impact on Mike’s right leg. The pain in the leg from the tumor in the
pelvic region can be excruiating at times, and it has cause peripheral
neuropathy as well. He walks with a
lino, and more often than not can’t wear any type of shoe. I had him fitted for compression
stockings, but most of the time the leg
is so swollen , they create a tourniquet effect so they come off very quickly - especially
with that blood clot.
His oncologist says there is nothing they can do, and ‘that
is the leg he is left with” , but Mike cannot accept it. I bring him to be fitted for the Circ-Aid Juxta Fit. Now for the
prescription! ( I really do wish I had that Rx pad). I know I can’t call his Dr. and just ‘ order
this up’ without some professional
back-up so I take the long route. I make an appointment there with a LE
therapist. One is L.A.N.A certified (Anna) at the Weldon, which is important. We see her,
and she is quite knowledgable.
She concurs that M.L.D. cannot be done without risking dislodge of the blood clot, but the Circ- Aid has the potential to move some fluid out if worn daily for several months. If it works, he should then be able to fit into compression stockings ( which won’t reduce fluid but might maintain fluid reduction) and at least get into a shoe and get around a bit. Looking toward the Spring, it seems hopeful. She says she will call the oncologist and ask for it. I tell her who the fitter is so she can have it faxed there, and we are on our way.
It won’t be a ‘fun’ garment to wear though his will stop at
the knee, but there’s no time like
winter to be stuck in a Circ-Aid !
============================================
In the meantime, Zappos.com comes in handy, and I ordered these these shoes so he has something to get out with, at least for now. Although, the more he is on the foot, the worse it swells of course, so we are hunkered down waiting for the Circ-Aid to arrive.
One step at a time!
============================================
One step at a time!
WORLD CANCER DAY
FEB.4, 2015
So today is "World Cancer Day', and you'd think there would be a lot to report, but I have been online for hours, and my head is spinning in trying to decide what to write. So rather than take the ' scientific facts', I'll go with " Just the facts, ma'am', version as it is what I believe most in!
IMHO, I don't think we have come very far when it comes to cancer tx. The mainstays are still chemo and radiation and the side effects can be lasting and range from mild to life altering.
It is generally agreed upon by most in the medical world that the following factors contribute most to getting cancer:
*smoking
*obesity
*Lack of exercise
*improper diet
*alcohol use
*fatty foods
*sun damage
*charred meats from the grill
Not buying it.
Other than smoking contributing to lung cancer, and the sun being a cause of skin cancer, I really think the most accurate answer is also the scariest one - 'they' don't really know what causes cancer.
I am on a forum with TENS of thousnands of women that have breast cancer - www.breastcancer.org , and some were vegetarians that had the perfect B.M.I., exercised daily, ate organically and had no hx of cancer in their families . They drank nothing but an occasional glass of red wine, and did not take hormones. They got it anyway. They are understandably angry about the claims that so many people who get cancer are essentially fat and lazy and ignorant. ( read between the lines)
I tell you now - it can happen to anyone.
I used to take my therapy dog to Baystate Cancer Children's Ward. These little innocents surely didn't have enough time in their lives to be living on char-grilled fatty steaks, and I doubt they didn't run and play ( exercise) like every other child before they were condemned to a world of lab work, ports, chemo, radiation, bald heads and nausea.
We have made a few advances , particularly with prostate cancer, and their is a promising vaccine on the horizon for triple negative breast cancer ( though it only claims to extend life by UP TO 20 months), but I think each cancer is as different as the person who is afflicted by it, and each outcome is as well.
Random?
Not exactly. You figure it out!
=============================================
Winter 2015
*click to enlarge
Well, it’s been awhile, but it seems as though time has
stood still this winter. It’s a good
time to be housebound I suppose - if one must be housebound, and Mike has
pretty much been stuck here.
He has been getting hundreds and hundreds of cards from the
people at St. Michael’s Academy, which really has lifted his spirits. We know
that each one comes with a prayer.
More than anything else, the issue has been that right
leg/foot. That is the leg most impacted
by the tumor and pain, but had also developed an enormous blood clot. No matter
how many shoehorns we tried, Michael just could not wear a shoe for the
swelling. We went to compression stockings, but most of the time they won’t fit,
and now we are trying the CircAid garment. I think there is hope for it as it
has shown some promising results, but patient compliance is key .
It’s a pain to think of putting that thing on every morning, and one needs to be very precise and take care not go to too tight - or too loose. Mike cannot say it has had a fair trial yet. It takes several weeks, if not months, of wearing DAILY. (Caps were for Michael, but I don’t think he reads this so…)
It’s a pain to think of putting that thing on every morning, and one needs to be very precise and take care not go to too tight - or too loose. Mike cannot say it has had a fair trial yet. It takes several weeks, if not months, of wearing DAILY. (Caps were for Michael, but I don’t think he reads this so…)
Ostrich or wise
choice?
I never liked being an ostrich type person. You know, somebody
with their head buried in the sand. It
just isn’t me. So, when the doctor told Mike he thought he should have another
scan on Tuesday (Feb. 24, 2015) just 4 months after the last one, I was
surprised that my gut went tight. This scan is not a welcome one, and I am not
certain Michael will have it. No doubt one should definitely have a scan if there are additional symptoms or if
they plan additional treatment if there is ‘not such good news”, but if the treatment
is not an option you want , and it has only been 4 months, it might be better
just to wait instead of borrowing trouble. Does that make sense? Maybe not, but if you have had stage 4 cancer and chemo
and more stage 4 cancer and more chemo and chemo side effects which have seriously and permanently changed your life - it might.
The chemotherapy Michael has had did not change his tumor by
one centimeter. It was the doctor’s job to dress that up as good news, and
extend us the glass half full, but Michael and I stood there holding a half empty
glass and a blood clot which impacted his mobility and quality of life greatly.
The strong and nasty Folfox regimen just did not work.
Soooo, if Mike has the scan and the tumor has grown even by a little,
we will most likely be faced with a decision about chemo, and since Mike doesn’t
really want to go back to that, why have the scan right now ? We pretty much
thought we were ‘on break’ or taking a breather from chemo, and we don’t really
feel like we’ve caught our breath just yet! The scan could change all of that. The
decision is not final, but Mike is considering a postponement on that appointment. I
know that I do not want to see him suffer through more chemo.
In any case, this is not about giving up. That’s just not
who Michael is.
Home Sweet Home
There are nicer houses than ours and bigger houses than ours
and better houses than ours, but I think I would have to look at quite a few homes to find these natural oak
archways that I fell in love with when I first stepped into this house some thirteen
years ago. Nobody ever violated them with paint.
This house seemed
right at the time, with its seven spacious rooms and huge side lot. Michael was more than a little handy and had professionally painted houses in the past, was a floor and tile installer for seventeen years, was meticulous at wallpaper, and could fix just about anything. We ended up
with two very active dogs that run that yard something fierce and Mike adopted an
upstairs room as music studio when our youngest moved out. In 2013, another upstairs bedroom was filled when
an exchange student came in from China, and we had grown into the house with all of
our thirty five years of ‘stuff’.
But now, this 100 year old house scares me and seems totally
impractical. Of course, this winter hasn’t helped with mountains of snow
threatening the rooftops, and we have discovered there are tree roots coming in
through some pipes (ugh). We don’t use the upstairs anymore, and we managed to
move some of Michael’s things down to a back bedroom, but it doesn’t stop him
from thinking of easy ways to transport things up and down.
I am a tad more realistic, and believe our neighbor will not
want to shovel for life, and that the repairs will become too costly and that
sadly, Michael will not be ‘running the stairs’ in the future. I certainly know that I won’t,
with my knee issues. So, naturally, I have considered downsizing. It would seem
wise to sell, pay off the mortgage and move into something more manageable for
both of us. But one of us has his feet stuck in the mud!
*click to enlarge
And sometimes I feel
like Judy Garland - There’s no place like home.
And then I realize, cancer has changed so many things… We’re not in Kansas anymore!
And then I realize, cancer has changed so many things… We’re not in Kansas anymore!
Be careful what
you ask for!
Have I mentioned that Springfield is in dire need of cancer support?
(IMHO) Well, I couldn’t help but notice that wonderful Center for Human Development
building right behind D'amours Cancer Center when Mike was getting chemo as
there were no snowbanks obstructing the view last fall. (Remember that?) So I took
a little stroll across the street and asked the receptionist if they had any empty
rooms. Oh yes, I did.
She was taken aback of course, but I peeked around a bit, and then got in touch with their vice president whom I had spoken to before, and I put the bug in her ear about starting a support group there. At first there was resistance, and the C.H.D. has the Cancer House of Hope (formerly on Plumtree Road/Spfld. ) But that is not in Springfield. The only ongoing’ general’ cancer support I could find was at the Mercy, and God bless the Sister who runs it, and I believe has done so for 25 years because it is PACKED. I mean, chock full of people! But that is both good and bad. What if one wants a smaller group? What if one is not comfortable speaking to such a large crew? What if one needs to talk for 15 solid minutes? (Everyone would not get a turn) What if one doesn’t drive at night? That's quite common after a certain age and especially in bad weather. What if Mondays just aren’t good? The point is - we need another option, during the day and conveniently located to D’Amours. That’s what I tell Julie - and the dance begins.
It goes on for many months until finally we are scheduling telephone
appointments, and as persistent as I am, Julie hangs in there with me, sometimes
having to cancel a phone appt., but always rescheduling. Besides, she knows I
will follow up!(lol)
At one point, she asks me if I would be willing to lead a peer facilitated group. Of course!
Still, we need permissions. And more permissions and …
At one point, she asks me if I would be willing to lead a peer facilitated group. Of course!
Still, we need permissions. And more permissions and …
Finally, in mid February, Julie emails and says I am all
set. They will let me use a conference room every Wednesday afternoon beginning
March 4th.
March 4th?!
Yikes! That’s coming too soon.
So, I get hopping! I’ve sent out 35
notices, and I need to hit D’Amours big time, but the first call I make is to
Sr. Madeline Joy. She leads the group at Mercy and has graciously agreed to
meet with me February 23rd. After that, I will have some idea of
what I have gotten myself into!
Wearin’ of the
green
So, Mike admits he cannot be an organist anymore as he can’t
tolerate the pain/pressure the organ bench puts on the tumor. And ironically, the foot pedals cause
shooting into the leg and foot as well. He
doesn’t have the stamina to be a teacher anymore, and he has to take pain medication
daily in order to get through the day. He
knows all of this.
But somehow, some way, he is determined to play at St.
Michael’s Cathedral as he does every St. Patrick’s Day! He was hoping to be able to gather some students,
as he has in the past and work together with a choir, but that could not be
accomplished. In any case there is no doubt
rehearsals would have proved too challenging to schedule in this Winter
Wonderland!
I'm trying to fathom how this will happen as the piano bench will be as hard as ever. The tumor is still there. The foot will remain swollen, and the pain will be intense. So, don’t ask me how he will pull himself together for this or if it will be his farewell performance (as I suspect), but I am beginning to think he will get it done.
======================================
I know I have been remiss in not writing for so long, but truth be told, I’ve been in a funk for quite awhile. Not only that, I keep waiting for good news . People want good news ! I have learned through all of this that no news does not necessarily equal good news, as I once naively thought.
Furthermore, I am more than a little concerned that my writings
here will sound , well, crazy! They have
been in my head for so long, and I believe that if you are not living this, you
probably can’t understand it. I don’t know. I’ll give it a whirl, for all of
you who keep popping back here looking for something new!
So, I have been observing Michael in pain and seeing an
increase over time, and it is hard to watch.
He is on 'round the clock' pain medication, but nothing ever completely eliminates
this haze that has come over our lives.
I asked him one night when he said that his foot really hurt, exactly what it felt like. He said it felt like someone had run over it with a car and left him there.
I asked him one night when he said that his foot really hurt, exactly what it felt like. He said it felt like someone had run over it with a car and left him there.
I felt like I was the one who left
him there! No, no, I didn’t run over it, but I was there you see - at the scene of the crime so to speak, and I
was not saving him.
I have always loved Emily Dickinson, and I well recall her
thoughts on pain:
This is truth, and I know it, but there is something else about pain that haunts me - it marks time. When , you ask? You know …before it was ‘ that painful’ etc … and it also has a scary relationship with distance. The farther you get from the day the very first pain came, the harder it is to look back and see the ‘ before’ … the you that was healthy or pain free. The farther away you get from the ‘ when the pain first started’ the more distance is there between the old you and “this you “. Who is “ this you “? It’s still you. (Think Josh Groban) “ I’m still me”, you want to scream , but you can’t somehow! That’s because you don’t feel like ‘ the old me “. That’s because you are clouded by pain.
I am not in control of this big tied up knotted ball of pain
that has become our life. I am the
bystander at the scene of the crime.
Yes, I’ve been taught that suffering has some purpose, but I confess to
all of you . I’m not seeing it. Nope. I’m sure not. Not today - sorry.
Holding Pattern
May 1, 2015
I’ll be darned if I can properly explain why I haven’t written in so long or what life is like right now, but if you are old enough to recall the old black and white TV’s with rabbit ears and no remote then you will recognize this :
and that, I have concluded, is the best way to explain.
A
holding pattern.
I feel like we are in a holding pattern.
For
those NOT old enough to recognize the graphic above , did
you watch “The New Orange is Black” ? You are in a sort of holding pattern, waiting for season two! You cannot 'power watch’ through it . You just have to wait. Now picture that *except* with no other television ! Right. I mean no Netflix, no Amazon TV , no cable whatsoever and are you ready for this ? No networks even! That’s the best way I can explain it. Groundhog Day every day… and every day after that too!
So, the good news is that (as far as we know) Mike’s cancer has
not hit a vital organ . But , we all know what happens ( and we
even sometimes have an idea of when it might happen) when
cancer does hit a vital organ. And so, we know there are worse
positions to be in, for sure. But this is different. This is not: ”
Yay. My cancer has not hit a vital organ” because it is in fact a
very serious stage 4 cancer and is has been both life altering
and disabling. And most of all, it has been very painful - in all
ways and every day.
you watch “The New Orange is Black” ? You are in a sort of holding pattern, waiting for season two! You cannot 'power watch’ through it . You just have to wait. Now picture that *except* with no other television ! Right. I mean no Netflix, no Amazon TV , no cable whatsoever and are you ready for this ? No networks even! That’s the best way I can explain it. Groundhog Day every day… and every day after that too!
So, the good news is that (as far as we know) Mike’s cancer has
not hit a vital organ . But , we all know what happens ( and we
even sometimes have an idea of when it might happen) when
cancer does hit a vital organ. And so, we know there are worse
positions to be in, for sure. But this is different. This is not: ”
Yay. My cancer has not hit a vital organ” because it is in fact a
very serious stage 4 cancer and is has been both life altering
and disabling. And most of all, it has been very painful - in all
ways and every day.
But it is so hard to explain so while trying
to think of a better phrase than ‘holding pattern’ I checked the thesaurus.
There were a few suggestions:
a pause . Nope. Their definition of pause was :” a short time when someone stops doing something before
starting again”
I have no clue what we stopped ( maybe life ?) or when, what, or even if we will start again. This is not a simple pause.
a pause . Nope. Their definition of pause was :” a short time when someone stops doing something before
starting again”
I have no clue what we stopped ( maybe life ?) or when, what, or even if we will start again. This is not a simple pause.
“ Not really.
We are not at a permanent halt. We are still here. We still have to function
every (Groundhog) day when we get up. There is still some sort of a process
going on, though very different than the “process” we once were accustomed to.
And while it seems that everything has in fact come to a halt, by this definition, halt is not the correct
word to describe what has been happening. Nope.
Interlude seems much too pleasant to
describe the situation and is defined as :” a short period of time between two longer periods”
But we have no concept
whatsoever of what period will be short or how long this period may last.
Interlude is not the right word.
Hmmmm…close.
Our lives, as we knew them, have been interrupted for sure. But, this goes well beyond that.
Okay,
I have come to the conclusion that one must actually live it to understand it ( sorry)
but the closest way to describe it is -
a holding pattern.
That is where we are.
We are in a holding pattern.
a holding pattern.
That is where we are.
We are in a holding pattern.
What
do you do there?
I have no clue, and we are ( were) “Do-ers” for sure.
What to do, what to do.
Hold.
Please hold .
Can you hold for just another minute?
Listen to the music as you hold, please .
Hello ?
Have we been cut off ?
No!
You are on hold.
Just hold.
Please hold.
I have no clue, and we are ( were) “Do-ers” for sure.
What to do, what to do.
Hold.
Please hold .
Can you hold for just another minute?
Listen to the music as you hold, please .
Hello ?
Have we been cut off ?
No!
You are on hold.
Just hold.
Please hold.
We’re
still here - on hold.
PAGE 5
What has happened since last November 2014?
I really don't know where to begin !
Well, you all know that we had 'the Mother of all winters' and we pretty much just hibernated in the house. Most of the time, Mike was dealing with the massive blood clot in his right leg which was a by product of the cancer and/or the chemo. All of this time, he kept hoping that right leg would get better, but the nerve damage from his tumor finally won out and the condition worsened and finally progressed to footdrop a.k.a. dropfoot. Dragging his right foot along the floor as he walked was truly the lowest point for both of us. It seemed that any hope of true recovery for that leg was lost, and the impairment was a very hard blow.
So, Mike walks with a cane now and is on round -the-clock pain management, and his foot still swells and he wears a brace and yadyadyda,... but the Dr. says he sees no signs that the cancer is currently 'active' or at least not aggressive. I suppose some people would just be happy with that, but the losses have added up.
I know they have taken a toll on ME - both physically and emotionally. My knees have not appreciated working double duty and I believe my physical therapist was a tad too aggressive and may have torn my hip. This is not a good thing, and there is no surgery available here in Springfield. It goes on the back burner with everything else that seems to be bubbling over. I have no time or energy to deal with this, but my hip keeps nagging me regardless.
So, over the past several months, I have been searching far and wide for a solution to living in this big seven room house with several floors and these taunting stairs. I suppose the obvious one would be to sell and buy a condo. We thought about that long and hard, but in the end, my two dogs won out. After ten years, they have become a part of the family, and apparently they have a vote in all of this! It would be another loss to have to re-home them and one we decide that we cannot put on them... or us.
We considered a mobile home, but there would be no room for the dogs, even if allowed. We need one level living, a yard that is not so huge, a lot less snow to shovel, a washer and dryer in the kitchen, a smallish yard for the dogs, and it all has to essentially be 'an even $wap' for our house. Oh, and the whole thing would have to be without a realtor, because we could not afford a commission fee . Tall order ? You bet! ESPECIALLY with Michael fighting me all the way and insisting that he can still shovel this large property , as he drags his foot along, and that he doesn't want to move. Thank goodness for my neighbors over last winter or we would have been snowed in! The spirit is willing , but the flesh is weak.
So, I had my realtor sending me listings for months , and the internet became my second home. Did you know the market in Springfield has houses selling as fast as ONE DAY? I know it's hard to believe , but houses are HOT right now and many sell in one day and for full price. It's crazy! What has happened here while we weren't looking?
On the VERY day that I decided to stop looking since no house would meet our tall order in our price range, I went into the internet site and clicked for the last time, and there it was ! Not only was ' the right house' there, but it was the very first day on the market and literally 30 seconds away from us !
I called the realtor right away, and we were the first ones to see the house. Michael gave no argument at all. He loved it. It was totally practical, with one floor living, wide doorways for a wheelchair ( just in case) a step in shower ( my hip would appreciate this !) a washer and dryer right in the kitchen and a 2 car garage so we could avoid so much storage DOWN those stairs into the cellar. Too good to be true ? Apparently , because the realtor said we could not even MAKE an offer without a pre-approval letter from the bank.
Guess who was back to a "pony ride "?!
And guess what is NUMBER ONE on the top 10 most stressful things list ? Sigh.
And it proved to be just that!
We went next door and asked our neighbors (a business) if they wanted to buy ( a business) since we had a buildable lot, and knew it would be profitable for them. They agreed to buy and at the same price as the house we were buying! Sounds simple, right ? Not so fast! So up until the very day of the closing, we were on pines and needles as 'their bank' was still not giving the green light to close. It seemed impossible since they were corporate customers, but in the end, we had both closings simultaneously and din;t found out until that very morning that our buyer was coming to the closing table with cash ! Miracles really do happen all around us !
So here we were , ready to move in and our new neighbors informed us that the gentleman who lived here many years ago had been drafted to the Red Sox. No sooner did the young man, head for Boston than he was diagnosed with polio! As a result, the whole house was later modified to be handicap accessible - just what we needed, and it was literally 30 seconds from our house !
It's hard to believe , but one of the first pieces of mail we received at the new place was cards from the students at S. Michael's Academy! that's right - they are still sending cards... and with each one, a prayer.
It's no wonder we found this house !
Moving is not an easy thing to do - especially after 35 years of marriage and accumulation of ' stuff'. It is physically and emotionally exhausting, and to be honest, neither Michael or I were up to it.
But with the help of some family and good friends and a hired mover, it was done.
October 16, 2015.
Sigh.
=========================================
It is not easy to settle in here and I reminded myself at least 100 times before we moved that we would be carrying lots of baggage with us - this would not be the clean slate/ fresh start that some couples have in downsizing. Indeed, this cancer and all of it's troubles were part and parcel of the whole package, but I still think soemwhere in the back of this head, I thought things would ease up.
My eleven year old dogs find the move a challenge as they are now bordered by chain link instead of stockade with dogs on all sides! Oh, the neighbors have somethings to put up with .
Speaking of neighbors, we have been immensely blessed! The lady on one side is someone Mike knows (her son was a former student ) and the people on the other side are just too good to be true! All are retired, and the husband offered to do our shoveling the first week that we moved in ( we do not know these people!) The wife is a gem.
How did we get so lucky in the midst of all of this ' bad luck'? Silver linings ? I don't know what to call it, but throughout this entire experience, the very people that you imagine would be up close and personal at a time like this are absent. Those who were on the perimeter of your life ( or those we hadn't yet met!) were there for you. It has been the biggest lesson in this whole story that I still refuse to call a journey !
Before we know it, it is Thanksgiving ( 2015) in the new house, and we have settled in. The dogs have adjusted ( though the neighbors wouldn't agree yet LOL) the plumbing has been repaired, and I want to say all is right with the world, but I don't think that phrase will ever be owned by us again.
Suffice it to say, we are happy with the house.
I am sure some people would feel badly if they knew we gave our Christmas tree away and did not put one up this year, but trust me - it was quite intentional, and I am grateful for the fact we do not have to take one down! Besides, Mother Nature has been so kind to us, it hardly seems like Christmas anyway.
Mike has his visit to the oncologist, and things are status quo.
Maybe that's my new phrase. Things are status quo. Somehow, I think that's about as good as we can expect.
But it doesn't last.
Just before Christmas, I notice Michael's foot is turned out to the right. I point it out, but he says he cannot turn it straight ! This is not a good sign, but what is it ? The doctor doesnt know so I request a home visit with a physical therapist. She says she thinks perhaps Mike's hip is disclocated, and it doesn't take much to realize that the tumor on his hip would be what was dispacing it.
Ugh and ugh.
What can be done ?
She says she can " try' Therapy, and I look at the wheelchair accessible doorways here and ask if she thinks P.T. would help him or hurt him and she answers " it's a 50/50 ." We pass .
It isn't long before I happen to notice a wound on Mike's foot . I want to ask, " What next?", but I know better !
January 2016
I'm snagging this next piece from Smithsonian.com (at :
http://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/what-does-happy-new-year-even-really-mean-180953633/) , and it's pretty strange, but I can so relate to it now !
(Read more: http://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/what-does-happy-new-year-even-really-mean-180953633/#eDAt4kJe2H1oszPk.99
Give the gift of Smithsonian magazine for only $12! http://bit.ly/1cGUiGv
Follow us: @SmithsonianMag on Twitter)
One
moment relates to the previous
one and to the next. That feels VERY much like our lives now. Maybe I
should mention it is 2:30 in the morning, and so perhaps I am clouded
by weariness, but ironically, when I look at the clock it reads "4:02".
Just proves my point even more! Time flies as they say.
In any case, 2016 begins with a bang, but not a happy one.
Our beloved Golden Retriever Bailey suddenly develops something of a gagging cough ( just a few times a day) and he is just not himself. By the fifth day, I am convinced something is seriously wrong, and he happily trots to the car for a ride to the vet.
The vet wants to do some tests and a chest x ray and sends me on my way.
When the phone rings, I know the news is not good.
It's cancer. The vet says Bailey's chest is full of cancer, and asks for permission to euthanize.
I ask for him to wait until I can return to the clinic to say my goodbyes , and he does.
Cancer.
Have I mentioned it today ? I hate cancer !
January 5th, 2016. Cancer took him. R.I.P. , Bailey.
This picture was from a brighter Christmas, but it depicts Bailey's character best:
THE NEW HOUSE
(aka HTH is Michael anyway, part 2.)
What has happened since last November 2014?
I really don't know where to begin !
Well, you all know that we had 'the Mother of all winters' and we pretty much just hibernated in the house. Most of the time, Mike was dealing with the massive blood clot in his right leg which was a by product of the cancer and/or the chemo. All of this time, he kept hoping that right leg would get better, but the nerve damage from his tumor finally won out and the condition worsened and finally progressed to footdrop a.k.a. dropfoot. Dragging his right foot along the floor as he walked was truly the lowest point for both of us. It seemed that any hope of true recovery for that leg was lost, and the impairment was a very hard blow.
So, Mike walks with a cane now and is on round -the-clock pain management, and his foot still swells and he wears a brace and yadyadyda,... but the Dr. says he sees no signs that the cancer is currently 'active' or at least not aggressive. I suppose some people would just be happy with that, but the losses have added up.
I know they have taken a toll on ME - both physically and emotionally. My knees have not appreciated working double duty and I believe my physical therapist was a tad too aggressive and may have torn my hip. This is not a good thing, and there is no surgery available here in Springfield. It goes on the back burner with everything else that seems to be bubbling over. I have no time or energy to deal with this, but my hip keeps nagging me regardless.
So, over the past several months, I have been searching far and wide for a solution to living in this big seven room house with several floors and these taunting stairs. I suppose the obvious one would be to sell and buy a condo. We thought about that long and hard, but in the end, my two dogs won out. After ten years, they have become a part of the family, and apparently they have a vote in all of this! It would be another loss to have to re-home them and one we decide that we cannot put on them... or us.
We considered a mobile home, but there would be no room for the dogs, even if allowed. We need one level living, a yard that is not so huge, a lot less snow to shovel, a washer and dryer in the kitchen, a smallish yard for the dogs, and it all has to essentially be 'an even $wap' for our house. Oh, and the whole thing would have to be without a realtor, because we could not afford a commission fee . Tall order ? You bet! ESPECIALLY with Michael fighting me all the way and insisting that he can still shovel this large property , as he drags his foot along, and that he doesn't want to move. Thank goodness for my neighbors over last winter or we would have been snowed in! The spirit is willing , but the flesh is weak.
So, I had my realtor sending me listings for months , and the internet became my second home. Did you know the market in Springfield has houses selling as fast as ONE DAY? I know it's hard to believe , but houses are HOT right now and many sell in one day and for full price. It's crazy! What has happened here while we weren't looking?
On the VERY day that I decided to stop looking since no house would meet our tall order in our price range, I went into the internet site and clicked for the last time, and there it was ! Not only was ' the right house' there, but it was the very first day on the market and literally 30 seconds away from us !
I called the realtor right away, and we were the first ones to see the house. Michael gave no argument at all. He loved it. It was totally practical, with one floor living, wide doorways for a wheelchair ( just in case) a step in shower ( my hip would appreciate this !) a washer and dryer right in the kitchen and a 2 car garage so we could avoid so much storage DOWN those stairs into the cellar. Too good to be true ? Apparently , because the realtor said we could not even MAKE an offer without a pre-approval letter from the bank.
Guess who was back to a "pony ride "?!
And guess what is NUMBER ONE on the top 10 most stressful things list ? Sigh.
And it proved to be just that!
We went next door and asked our neighbors (a business) if they wanted to buy ( a business) since we had a buildable lot, and knew it would be profitable for them. They agreed to buy and at the same price as the house we were buying! Sounds simple, right ? Not so fast! So up until the very day of the closing, we were on pines and needles as 'their bank' was still not giving the green light to close. It seemed impossible since they were corporate customers, but in the end, we had both closings simultaneously and din;t found out until that very morning that our buyer was coming to the closing table with cash ! Miracles really do happen all around us !
So here we were , ready to move in and our new neighbors informed us that the gentleman who lived here many years ago had been drafted to the Red Sox. No sooner did the young man, head for Boston than he was diagnosed with polio! As a result, the whole house was later modified to be handicap accessible - just what we needed, and it was literally 30 seconds from our house !
It's hard to believe , but one of the first pieces of mail we received at the new place was cards from the students at S. Michael's Academy! that's right - they are still sending cards... and with each one, a prayer.
It's no wonder we found this house !
Moving is not an easy thing to do - especially after 35 years of marriage and accumulation of ' stuff'. It is physically and emotionally exhausting, and to be honest, neither Michael or I were up to it.
But with the help of some family and good friends and a hired mover, it was done.
October 16, 2015.
Sigh.
=========================================
It is not easy to settle in here and I reminded myself at least 100 times before we moved that we would be carrying lots of baggage with us - this would not be the clean slate/ fresh start that some couples have in downsizing. Indeed, this cancer and all of it's troubles were part and parcel of the whole package, but I still think soemwhere in the back of this head, I thought things would ease up.
My eleven year old dogs find the move a challenge as they are now bordered by chain link instead of stockade with dogs on all sides! Oh, the neighbors have somethings to put up with .
Speaking of neighbors, we have been immensely blessed! The lady on one side is someone Mike knows (her son was a former student ) and the people on the other side are just too good to be true! All are retired, and the husband offered to do our shoveling the first week that we moved in ( we do not know these people!) The wife is a gem.
How did we get so lucky in the midst of all of this ' bad luck'? Silver linings ? I don't know what to call it, but throughout this entire experience, the very people that you imagine would be up close and personal at a time like this are absent. Those who were on the perimeter of your life ( or those we hadn't yet met!) were there for you. It has been the biggest lesson in this whole story that I still refuse to call a journey !
Before we know it, it is Thanksgiving ( 2015) in the new house, and we have settled in. The dogs have adjusted ( though the neighbors wouldn't agree yet LOL) the plumbing has been repaired, and I want to say all is right with the world, but I don't think that phrase will ever be owned by us again.
Suffice it to say, we are happy with the house.
I am sure some people would feel badly if they knew we gave our Christmas tree away and did not put one up this year, but trust me - it was quite intentional, and I am grateful for the fact we do not have to take one down! Besides, Mother Nature has been so kind to us, it hardly seems like Christmas anyway.
Mike has his visit to the oncologist, and things are status quo.
Maybe that's my new phrase. Things are status quo. Somehow, I think that's about as good as we can expect.
But it doesn't last.
Just before Christmas, I notice Michael's foot is turned out to the right. I point it out, but he says he cannot turn it straight ! This is not a good sign, but what is it ? The doctor doesnt know so I request a home visit with a physical therapist. She says she thinks perhaps Mike's hip is disclocated, and it doesn't take much to realize that the tumor on his hip would be what was dispacing it.
Ugh and ugh.
What can be done ?
She says she can " try' Therapy, and I look at the wheelchair accessible doorways here and ask if she thinks P.T. would help him or hurt him and she answers " it's a 50/50 ." We pass .
It isn't long before I happen to notice a wound on Mike's foot . I want to ask, " What next?", but I know better !
January 2016
I'm snagging this next piece from Smithsonian.com (at :http://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/what-does-happy-new-year-even-really-mean-180953633/) , and it's pretty strange, but I can so relate to it now !
"When Albert Einstein’s good friend
Michele Besso died in 1955, just a few weeks before Einstein’s own
death, Einstein wrote a letter to Besso’s family in which he put forward
a scientist’s consolation: “This is not important. For us who are
convinced physicists, the distinction between past, present, and future
is only an illusion, however persistent.”
The idea that time is an illusion is
an old one, predating any Times Square ball drop or champagne
celebrations. It reaches back to the days of Heraclitus and Parmenides,
pre-Socratic thinkers who are staples of introductory philosophy
courses. Heraclitus argued that the primary feature of the universe is
that it is always changing. Parmenides, foreshadowing Einstein,
countered by suggesting that there was no such thing as change. Put into
modern language, Parmenides believed the universe is the set of all
moments at once. The entire history of the universe simply is.
Today we would call this the
“eternalist” or “block universe” view—thinking of space and time
together as a single four-dimensional collection of events, rather than a
three-dimensional world that evolves over time. Besides Parmenides and
Einstein, this picture is shared by the Tralfamadorians, an alien race
who appear in Kurt Vonnegut’s novel Slaughterhouse-Five. To a being from Tralfamadore, visiting the past is no harder than walking down the street.
This “timeless” view of the universe goes against our
usual thinking. We perceive our lives as unfolding. But it has adherents
even in contemporary physics. The laws of nature, as we currently
understand them, treat all moments as equally real. No one is picked out
as special; the laws simply say how any moment relates to the previous
one and to the next."
(Read more: http://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/what-does-happy-new-year-even-really-mean-180953633/#eDAt4kJe2H1oszPk.99
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In any case, 2016 begins with a bang, but not a happy one.
Our beloved Golden Retriever Bailey suddenly develops something of a gagging cough ( just a few times a day) and he is just not himself. By the fifth day, I am convinced something is seriously wrong, and he happily trots to the car for a ride to the vet.
The vet wants to do some tests and a chest x ray and sends me on my way.
When the phone rings, I know the news is not good.
It's cancer. The vet says Bailey's chest is full of cancer, and asks for permission to euthanize.
I ask for him to wait until I can return to the clinic to say my goodbyes , and he does.
Cancer.
Have I mentioned it today ? I hate cancer !
January 5th, 2016. Cancer took him. R.I.P. , Bailey.
This picture was from a brighter Christmas, but it depicts Bailey's character best:
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